As I was lying in bed this morning, at about 4am, trying to get to sleep, my brain was in overdrive and I gots-a-thinking.
When is having too much drive or ambition a good thing and how do you strike that right balance?
The last few days, I have pretty much spent revising, and revising hard, I might add. I am not the revising type, I never have been and I still don’t really know *how* to revise and what techniques are good and work for me. However, I have perceived this time, trying different techniques and done each subject about 3 times in different ways, to try and test which way is best for me.
Maybe it is the fact that this exam on Tuesday is pretty much “all or nothing”, if I don’t pass it, then I don’t go forward to next year at Uni starting September, and I would have to wait a whole year to re-take the exam and then be a year behind schedule on my studies. Now deferring for a year doesn’t seem like that much of a bad idea, I’ve just started a new job, which I want to do well in and perform to the best of my ability as it is a great place to work and was a definite career move on my part.
So the vocation aspect of building my career appears to be going well, I could upload my CV and show just how much experience I have gained over the past 5 years, whilst my peers have been at Uni for 3, LPC/BPTC for 1/2 years and then trying to get a training contract/pupillage, should they not have secured one, whereas I have been building my career and been out in the real world gaining work experience, as well as studying.
The academic part is going, well, its going OKAY, I’m doing well but I could be doing better. I have the drive behind me, I wouldn’t have done 1 year of LLB through the open university, a Legal Secretary Diploma, Legal Executive Professional Diploma and now the LLB if I didn’t have the drive or ambition to want to do well in the future. Either that or I am clearly insane.
After hitting a revision slump last night, and not being able to get back into it today as yet…
I’ve had to have a very stern word with myself. I have to keep telling myself and remind myself to repeat the following mantras:
“It will all be worth it in the end”
“I love the law”
Even if, on a Saturday night, I’m getting phone calls off my friend who is out asking me to come along, Facebook messages from work colleagues asking me to come out after already missing out the night before on the Friday. I still had to push on and get to the end of what I was doing, 1am hit and all I could think about was going to bed. No, I made myself still listen to two more podcasts on defamation and complete a mind map.
On the negative side, will it all be worth it in the end?
Unemployment is rising, the recession is getting worse, there are more and more graduates with degrees – all fighting for the same jobs, less firms are taking on trainees, and/or are reducing the amount of trainees they take on and retain at the end of their training contracts.
What’s it all going to be like in 3 years time when its my turn to apply and be turned away? Could I take that rejection over and over? Will I feel I have been served an injustice? Fair enough, all the full-time students are in the same position – we have just spent 3/4 years completing a LLB (Hons) and now can’t find a job. I, will, however have nearly 10 years legal work experience under my belt, have worked full-time whilst studying, slowly losing the will to live and breaking down a number of times (that is just during my 1st year of the LLB – I dread what to think will happen over the next 3 years), but we’re applying for the same contract/same position – who is it who will be chosen? Who is more valuable to the firm? Who deserves it more?
Yet I keep on going, something inside me pushes me on to keep going, it’s like I’m running a marathon and I’ve hit that brick wall, where my body wants to stop, but from somewhere, deep within you, you find the will to carry on.
Where does mine come from? I have no idea, I just know where I want to end up and I know what I have to do to get it. Why I have chosen where I want to be, I really don’t know.
So last night, at 3am, I decided to take the washing out of the washing machine and put it on the radiators before bed, I go into the bedroom, there is a “Daddy Long Legs” flitting about near the lamp… I go into the other bedroom, there are two moths flitting about…
These are about the only things I will be a girl about and squeamish about, well and spiders, so I call for reinforcement, and ask the boyfriend to get rid of them so I can continue on my way.
He agrees, he stands in the bedroom with a dishcloth to attack the “Daddy Long Legs” with, so he can catch it and remove it. I look at him and ask,
“Why are you just standing there looking at it?”
“I’m waiting for it to move and come to me”
“Why don’t you throw the dishcloth at it, so that you scare it, it moves and then you can catch it?” …
It made me chuckle, and brought me to thinking about ambition whilst trying to get to sleep..
“If you want something, you have to get it – don’t wait for it to come to you”
On that note, I think I should get back to some revision. It’s not going to do itself now is it.